Looking good and feeling good

My 10 year old son BEGGED me to go to school last Monday. I knew he was sick, he swore he wasn't. Owen would usually jump at the chance to stay home. He only went because he had a brand new outfit, and he looked good. We bought it after school on Friday. Black Levi skinny jeans and a long sleeved Van's T-shirt. He had been pleading for these items for some time. It was decided among his friends that this should be his "look". LaShaun's look is "Element" and Ben's look is "Tony Hawk" . Owen was going for "Vans".

I had been sorting through all the boys clothes (in my mad cleaning efforts) and realized that Owen could use a few new articles of clothing. He was so surprised when I took him shopping on Friday. He wore the outfit on Saturday. He was so cute. He loved the way he looked. It was so obvious by the way he walked. On Sunday he monitored its washing and drying, reminding me until they were folded and waiting on his desk for Monday morning. He was so excited.

On Monday he woke up and looked sick. I told him that he didn't have to go to school. He assured me that he was fine, and insisted on going. At noon, I got a call from the school nurse.


It reminded me of when I was 6 years old. I really remember this. I don't remember much but I do remember this. I used to have really curly, wild hair. I wore it in banana curls. I was my first grade teacher's pet. I could do no wrong in Sister Anne's eyes.I even remember how unfair it seemed that she would always pick me to run errands or assist her in someway.

My mother decided that I should get a pixie haircut. She had all my curls cut off. I hated it. I'd bobby pin a piece of cloth to what little hair I had left. I don't know why she did that to me, I am still a little bitter.

The day after I got all of my hair cut off I went back to school. It was like a light went off in Sister Anne's eyes. She didn't call on me anymore.It was as if I didn't exist. I remember, even at that young age, feeling so slighted and embarrassed by the way I looked. It was an awful feeling.

I find myself still feeling that way from time to time. People pass judgment all the time. When I got back from India I was 20 pounds lighter than when I left. I got so many compliments, then I ate a 20 pound hamburger and gained it all back. I felt like a failure. I went on a diet and have lost 11 pounds, it is a constant struggle.

I was trying to figure out when I started to feel this way-never quite right- and it dawned on me. Sister Anne had sort of set the tone for my life. That is wrong. Children feel deeply.

I saw Sister Anne again when I was 36 years old, I was married with 2 beautiful boys. She was at my parent's 50th Wedding Anniversary party. She told me that she was surprised that I turned out so well,she said it jokingly but I could tell she was looking for a crack.