I Was A Star Witness.

Honolulu. 1996.
Sleeping on the job. Among other things, I was paid very well to watch The Guiding Light with eighty nine year old Zohmah Charlot every weekday at noon. Then we would take a nap. Most of the time, I slept right through her hour long story.

After that, we'd sit on her back lanai to see what famous people were golfing in Kahala that day. I also collected bags and bags of maybe used once Titleist golf balls. Everyday was Easter. Zohmah got into it, too. She could no longer speak, but she excelled at pointing and looking enthusiastic. I had bags and bags of balls, I tell you. Hundreds! Barely used top of the line golf balls and I am pretty sure a few of them used to belong to Bill Clinton. I am positive that this particular stockpile had everything to do with my marriage proposal from Fabio. I was a gold mine. I mean, c'mon.

If we got bored watching the golfers we could take that 4 minute walk to the beach or maybe head up the Kahala Oriental Mandarin Hotel (that was eight minutes on foot (and wheelchair)) for cocktails. We were always bumping into movie stars. We saw a few big names at the hotel. John Travolta, Nicholas Cage, Ben Affleck, Johnny Depp, Justin Timberlake, Cameron Diaz, and a very quick glimpse of Nicole Kidman. I never said a word to any of them. It was so bizarre to see their strangely familiar faces pop up out of nowhere on a Tuesday afternoon,say. I guess that's where they stayed. I would always just look at them and think, 'you are stinking rich, you lucky bastard.'

I really wanted to go up to each one of them, separately, and say, "Don't kid yourself, hotshot. Acting is so overrated, and actors are so overpaid." Yeah, right. I never did approach any of them with my insightful-on the money- commentary, and why is that? Because it is not polite to insult rich, powerful, and good looking people.

They could- still can, I reckon- afford every luxury available without a worry in the world. Imagine that. If that ever became my well travelled day to day, I bet that I would behave differently as well. Who among us feels like throwing the first rock? I mean really. You would be weird too. Those headliners all had a way, kind of the same way, too.

Magnum PI's, all of them. They had a casual air of Practiced Importance. A sense of entitlement had crept into their vernacular, and their grand scale life -that 'Hollywood Life'- had (has) for them, become a given. They are suddenly really, really into to only the finest things, and it's totally cool. They can be. The absolute best of everything has become commonplace and expected. It is entirely affordable. They are spoon fed and doggedly encouraged. Celebrity cash cow. Just let the assistant handle it.

They would never, ever say 'Look at me. Aren't I great?' They can't even do it as a joke. It isn't that funny to anyone else.They would sound like ego ed out jerks because they would mean it. You can bet your bottom dollar that 'Look at me. Aren't I great' is on a running loop in every one of their wigged out heads. They just can't say it out loud. That would be gross and kind of pretentious. They aren't stupid. They are just lucky, and rich and usually beautiful.

I sound like sour grapes and I don't mean to. I am not really jealous, I am more intrigued. Honestly, good for them. Bravo. Encore. Whatever.Someone has to get chosen. It is so arbitrary. I mean, God bless her, but Renee Zellweger? Who decides these things? Some people just get lucky and I think that they might really believe that they earned the lap that they find themselves in. They forget that their real god given talent
is plain old L-U-C-K. luck.

Those lucky little rock stars. They all have that... how do you say? Jenesaisquoi. No, 'Haughty Humility',is what I'll call it, if such a thing exists. It's not even their fault. I'd be the same way. Anyone would. That must be mind numbing as well as ego inflating. They aren't thinking straight, and they probably never will. I'll say it again- I hardly blame them.

These movie stars were the opposite of rude. They convincingly appeared embarrassed while being escorted to the front of the line. They graced us all with a few hellos, after all. OMG. He looked at me. He said hello. What? I just kept thinking, 'Who are they?' Why does their presence excite me so? Why am I NERVOUS?' These people walk into rooms like that everyday. Rooms filled with speechless little nutjobs just like me. All that silent, astonished staring. Their heads must be balloons. It would be hard not to have an over inflated ego at this exchange.

Now, Jim Nabors, Tom Selleck, and Charo were par for the course, if you will. No big deal. We exchanged normal, neighborly hellos and nice nods. I used to see those three all the time at the grocery store. We shopped at the same Star Market. Charo wore high heels and a high ponytail; and she was still strutting some high water booty too, at 65. She never disappointed. Her way was refreshingly real, oddly enough. Coochie coochie coo.

I do have a cute Ben Affleck story though. I was driving down Kalakaua Ave in Waikiki, totally out to there pregnant with one of my boys. Mr. Affleck put me in such a tizzy, I can't remember which boy. I kind of recall baby Owen being in the back seat which narrows it down some.

I had the windows down, it was a beautiful day of course.
I was listening to Springsteen's Rosalita pretty loudly.
I heard a beep.
Ben Affleck pulled up beside me and waved.I literally got nervous and then I got mad at myself for getting nervous. I waved back, sort of. I tried to act cool. He waved again.He gave me the thumbs up! What? We kept passing each other and he kept smiling at me.

When I got home, I told Fabio all about it, "Either I look awfully cute eight months pregnant or Ben Affleck really likes Bruce Springsteen." Fabio started cracking up. "Lucy, you have a bumper sticker that says 'Save Fenway Park' and you are driving around Honolulu." I Ben had.

Oh Lord. I didn't mention Jack.
Jack Lord. He loved an ascot.

Speaking of men's fashions, I also met Richard Chamberlain at a necktie display in the Ralph Lauren store at the Ala Moana Shopping Center. He seemed nice. He actually acted a little uncomfortable with himself, could have been a bad day.I hear everyone gets them. He was smiling way too much to mean it at all.

And there was Roddy McDowall one table away at California Pizza Kitchen in the Kahala Mall when my oldest was just 3 days old. Roddy got an earful from two old Japanese ladies giving me hell for bringing a baby that young outside in the world. "He should be swaddled at home" were their exact words.

Owen's doctor's office was in the mall and I did not feel like cooking. I tried to tell them to lay off, but I started crying instead. After they left, Roddy said that they had been "uncalled for." Roddy come lately, after the fact Roddy. Thanks Roddy. Roddy didn't make me feel anything. I wasn't excited and he didn't make me nervous. I had just endured 23 intense hours of labor 3 days prior. Maybe I was just tired.